I have 2 kids! Let's not screw them up!

Well, Darling Daughter 2 was born just over a month ago and we haven't slept since then.  C'est la vie.  I think there is something in our genetics that causes us to forget, edit/polish or willfully ignore how awful having a newborn is because otherwise nobody would ever have 2 kids.  On the plus side, she's totally cute and looks a little like a hedgehog.

    Now that I have 2 kids, I feel very "parenty."  And as a former nanny and now a teacher, I have dealt with the consequences of bad parenting and the rewards of good parenting every day for the last decade or more.  I hope that I will do better by my own daughters than some of those whose decisions make my job more difficult than it needs to be while taking the examples of the great parents I interact with whose children reflect the job they're doing.

   What are some things that are hallmarks of good or bad parenting?  Oh, let me ennumerate....

1.  Good parents advocate for their child but don't try to control outcomes for their children.  Kids absolutely HAVE to learn what it feels like to fail.  If you shield your child from every disappointment, even a truly deserved failure, you have taught them that everything will always go their way.  As adults we KNOW that isn't true, and some of the most aggravating and intolerable people you know in your life are almost certainly those who believe they must get their own way all the time.

2.  Don't be afraid to make your child cry.  As humans we learn the difference between right and wrong by not liking how we feel when we've done something wrong.  I don't think kids are born with a conscience.  I think it is a parent's job to make his or her kid feel bad when they've done something wrong.  The kid then learns that feeling bad about what you did sucks and boom! a conscience is born.

3.  Trust your child's teacher until he or she gives you a real and valid reason not to.  Teachers see your child in a whole different environment than their family does.  A teacher might, one day, tell you that your child did something that you have a hard time believing- but in my experience, teachers don't generally make up stuff to make children look bad.  Teachers understand kids a lot better than most parents do because we see such a wide variety of them. A teacher can often give you the best advice for how to deal with an issue, although legally we're not allowed to because it's overreaching, I guess.  If your son or daughter's teacher tells you that he or she is having trouble with behavior or academics, it's in your best interest to believe it.  It doesn't necessarily make you a bad parent if you have a kid who struggles with something- but it DOES make you a bad parent to ignore the reality of it and fail to help your child cope or overcome.

4. Learn to say no.  Learn to MEAN no.  Learn not to let "no" change to "yes" or "maybe."  Being able to stick to an absolute no is an invaluable parenting must. Does that mean you're never allowed to change your mind?  Of course not- one of the best things a child can learn from his or her parents is that sometimes it's necessary to reexamine a situation.  But if you always cave into your child, they will learn, once again, that they're supposed to get their way in every situation.

5. Help your child learn that ALL actions have consequences; good or bad. I don't mean that you need to reward all good decisions and punish all bad ones.  We already have a culture of children who have been raised believing that they deserve candy for pooping in the toilet. I reward for things that go beyond a regular expectation.  But that doesn't mean that you can't teach your child that good things have good consequences anyway.  You cleaned up your room?  Wow, now you hava a nice neat place to play, aren't you lucky? You were nice to a new student in your class?  Awesome, you probably made a new friend.  You learned your vocabulary for the test this week and got a good grade? I'm proud of you and all those new words you are learning will make you sound so smart when you use them in your speech or writing.   I don't expect kids to be perfect, obviously.  But I have found one of the most powerful negative consequences for a child is to have a grownup express disappointment in their choices, but not to try to stop them from doing what they decided to do.  You're choosing to play your computer game instead of studying for your science test?  Wow, I'm really disappointed.  I thought you would make a better choice than that..... for a child in whom you have developed a conscience, that stings worse than you unplugging the computer and forcing them to open their science notes.... they make the choice to do the right thing themself rather than being forced.... and they don't end up being mad about the Huge Injustice their Evil Parent just did to them.

   I got all thoughty for this post because I have a set of parenst who is not happy that I noted on a report card that their child's behavior modification plan was going well.  First of all, having the teacher tell you your child's behavior plan is successful is a COMPLIMENT to your child.  But these parents are only concerned that it indicates that there was a behavior problem to begin with.  So what?  Stop believing your child is a perfect angel- kids are HUMAN and they are not perfect.  CELEBRATE that your child has overcome something that was a struggle.  Tell your child you're proud of the good work he or she has done in having more self control in the classroom.  Understand that your child's failures don't make you look bad unless their reaction to the failure isn't what it ought to be.

   Oy.  I have just under another month of maternity leave and I'm pretty happy about that.  I absolutely love many of the students in my class this year and the parents who have raised them to be awesome, but on the whole I will be glad to move this group up to first grade and start fresh with new kids and new parents.  It's a hard mix this year. 

How to Cripple a Child

So this week I've been the recipient of The Blame Game.  Perhaps earlier in my career I would have been willing to accept some of the blame that has been heaped upon me this week, but at this stage I know I'm right and that I've done nothing for which to be blamed.....Would you like to know what's my fault?

Well, it seems Georgie's mother has decided I'm a baaaaaaaaad teacher.  And here's the reasons:

1. Georgie made a puddle on the floor earlier this week.  And that was my fault because I wasn't tracking how often he was using the classroom bathroom and asking him if he needed to go pee pee in the potty at regular intervals.  Now, a few years ago I would have offered to create some sort of reward system or something to encourage him to "go" and would have shouldered that responsibility.  Now, no way.  I told her that since he was the youngest kindergartener in my class (didn't turn 5 until the middle of September) that developmentally he probably wasn't identifying the beginning of "the urge" and didn't realize he needed to go until it was a near emergency and that I couldn't make another student evacuate the bathroom to let him use it.  HE needs to be responsible for using his SIX (or more) bathroom breaks that I offer during our 6 hour school day.  Lordy, I'm 7 months pregnant and the idea of 6 breaks a day sounds heavenly to me.... I get one.  If I can make it on 1 a day, he can make it on 6.

2.  I refuse to search through Georgie's backpack to find things that she sends to school with him. This has been an ongoing issue for him.  For example, last week she sent treat bags to give the class on Monday for Halloween.  Well, when Georgie came in to class, he told me he had "toys in his backpack."  For those unaccustomed to elementary age kids, they OFTEN bring toys from home in their backpack, and are either naiive enough to tell their teacher that, or they think we're too stupid to notice that suddenly Justin Bieber has joined our class and is singing a tinny recorded song emanating from his abdomen. So when he announced he had toys, I said what I always say: "Toys stay in our backpack, and please don't bring them back to school."  So that was the first nasty note of the week. Fun!  I just flat out told Mom this time that he told me he had toys, and I told him toys weren't allowed.  He needs to learn to communicate what he really means.

3.  Then today, I'm in trouble with her because he hasn't brought a take-home reading book home all week.  Well, tough shit.  I spend the first MONTH of school chasing after the kids to make sure they are choosing a book and packing it away to take home.  I spend a second month chasing the third of them who still don't get it.  Now in the third month of school I do not chase, and will only remind.  If he still doesn't know what his job is, then it's HER problem, not mine.  SHE needs to help her child because MY job is to foist some independence on him.

    All of this took me back to a couple of years ago when I was miserably plodding through a year of 5th grade hell.... I had a mother tell me I couldn't hold her child responsible for a book report because I hadn't written it down for him in his assignment notebook and hadn't called her to tell her that it was assigned.  I told her that it was HIS assignment, not hers, and that I don't notify parents individually of assigned schoolwork. But come the hell on.  Really?

   These are the parents who are crippling our education system.  And lordy I wish they weren't mine to deal with.

Why I am a Mutant

When I was a little girl, my parents appeared to take their parenting responsibility seriously.  I was fed three meals a day, usually containing some nutritional content. My clothes fit and were seasonally appropriate.  I never got lice. They signed forms and returned them to school, attended meetings when required, came to concerts, and gave me the choice of buying or bringing my lunch each day, even giving the choice of PBJ, bologna and cheese or salami sandwiches. My brother and I were not allowed to watch horror movies, anything rated R or anything that involved sex.  My mother still firmly believes that "fart" and "crap" are full on curse words, despite the fact that in the last year she's learned to drop the appropriate F bomb here and there.
    Husband and I attempt to do the same sort of parenting for our daughter, and I'm sure that will continue when her sister is born.  Something inside us just tells us that it's our job to provide food, shelter, clothing and guidance for our children.  Among my circle of friends who also have kids, this seems to be the going trend of parenting: actual childcare. Are we mutants?  It appears so.

    Why do I think so?  Well because in the last couple of weeks it has been made clear to me that I have been placing far too many expectations upon myself!  I need to take it easy!  How have I learned this lesson?  Why, I've been taught by the parents of public school students!

I  don't actually HAVE to feed my child 3 meals a day despite the fact that we can afford healthy, nutritious and often tasty fare.  And if I'd rather not be responsible for that, the school system will just do it for me.

   And returning permission slips?  Unnecessary.  That is, unless I decided at 8:45am the morning of a field trip that leaves at 9:30 that I'd rather not pack my child's lunch despite saying I would beforehand.  If I just give her a few dollars to take with her, SURELY the teacher can stop and pick up something for my child to eat, right?  If not, he can just eat her sandwich.  She has a job after all and gets 3 months off every summer, I'm sure she can afford another one.

    Maybe my daughter only speaks in monosyllabic whine and has a recurrent case of head lice?  Well, if I was a good parent apparently I'd just wait until the school wanted to take care of the communication problem with some free therapy, and as for the lice, can't the nurse just pick it out for me?

   And now that the weather's changing and it's in the mid 40's in the morning when my child heads off to school, I don't really need to worry about whether or not she has a jacket or coat.  If she shows up in 48 degree weather in shorts and a t-shirt shivering, they'll just give her a new outfit at school.

   And now that The Squirt is on the verge of turning 2, we have that whole potty training issue ahead of us.  I THOUGHT that was going to be something we'd need to figure out and get cracking on, but as it turns out, she doesn't actually have to be potty trained to go to school. At least apparently not, as we have a half dozen students in Kindergarten and first grade who regularly urinate and/or defecate in their pants.  And that's ok, because the school will just take care of it.  They'll clean my child up (but they BETTER NOT SEE HER NAKED OR I WILL SUE!!!), give her new clean clothes, evaluate her to see if she needs medical attention or special education theraputic services and just take care of that little problem for me.

  I dunno, mutant or not, I still feel somewhat compelled to, oh, I don't know, CARE FOR MY CHILD.  And I am increasingly disturbed at the dwindling pool of parents who seem to believe that this is what they're supposed to do as well. 

Failure due to Red Tape

As a kindergarten teacher of many students who come to school with little to no preschool background, I am often the first person to identify what often becomes a special education need for a child in my class.  Since I spend 6 hours a day with a child, I have a lot of insight into whether or not a child who came without any experience with the material in the curriculum (lettters and numbers) is progressing at a normal pace or not.  However, today I encountered my third experience in just two years with a child that every teacher can see has an issue that needs specialized instruction and support but whom the formal diagnostic process fails miserably.

   Last year I had a young man who was obviously suffering from some emotional developmental delays.  He was just vacant most of the time, and compared to his peers he made little if any progress towards mastering any concepts in the kindergarten curriculum.  He would sit on the carpet during story time and rock back and forth with a shoelace in his mouth.  Honestly, he seemed drugged.  After "showing my ass" so to speak in a meeting with the diagnostic team, they agreed to evaluate him for possible learning or emotional disabilites, but in the end despite the fact that this child was OBVIOUSLY in need of intervention in as many ways as possible, he was deemed "ineligible" because he hadn't been in school long enough for us to really KNOW that he wasn't learning.  He has since been to about 4 other schools, had a full psychotic sort of break, kicking, biting, basically gone off the deep end.... and I KNEW he had an issue, but what I know didn't matter- all that mattered was that he hadn't had "adequate exposure" to curriculum.

  Another guy who is a redshirted kindergartener was in a similar situation.  His teacher last year, a 20 year veteran of kindergarten, could tell in SEPTEMBER that he would need to be retained because not only did he come with no prior knowledge or developed skills needed for kindergarten, he was unable to develop and retain the knowledge and skills that he was being taught at a rate that was acceptable to the rigors of the kindergarten curriculum.  So, again, the diagnostic team failed this young man because despite the fact that he obviously needed specialized support and could have gotten it, they dismissed the veteran teacher's concerns with the "adequate exposure" clause all over again.  So now his parents have demanded an evaluation, and frankly I won't be terribly surprised with a pronouncement of ineligible because instead of comparing him with a student his own AGE, they insist on comparing him with a grade level peer, or a first month kindergartener.  So this child will likely not get served with intervention that I cannot do by myself for him until 3rd grade or later when the problems become so pronounced that he is several grade levels behind in reading and math.

  And now I have another one.  Every time I pick my class up from Art, Music, Library, Computers, or PE the teacher asks me what is wrong with her.  She doesn't seem to understand anything about what she's supposed to do.  She copies others, and when she can't do that she is completely lost and oblivious.  After 5 weeks of DAILY one-on-one interventions she still doesn't recognize her own name, nor can she name any individual letter in her name.  This despite the combination of the interventions she's already had PLUS the fact that the entire first hour of my school day revolves around letters and letter sounds.  One member of the team observed her for about 10 minutes today and pronounced her "without concern."   I wanted to scream!  This child is in desperate need of more help than I can give her.  I have 22 students in my class and she has already monopolized every resource I have available to help any child who struggles.  Her attention issues are so profound that she cannot work in a group with other children receiving help because she distracts them so badly.  She is usually unable to string more than 3 words together to form a sentence.  Like a toddler, her first instinct is to hit or spit at others when she feels threatened (including phantom threats like someone is sitting where she wants to sit on the carpet).

   This whole situation frustrates me to no end.  It's as if because I got a degree in Education rather than Psychology, my own knowledge, observation and plain gut instinct are immaterial in these cases.  You're telling me that 10 minutes of observation by someone with a psychology degree trumps 6 hours a day of agony in dealing with this child who I simply cannot help on my own. And so then I am stuck between a rock and a hard place: I am obligated to invest all the time and resources at my disposal to help her, but if I KNOW there is something wrong and that the time and energy expended will be wasted on her, then I'm denying another child who COULD made adequate progress with just a little intervention the chance to get that help.  Why should one child be able to monopolize everything I have to give when I KNOW that there's something wrong that falls outside the realm of what I'm able to handle on my own?

   It's a catch-22..... I'm supposed to be "highly qualified," highly educated, a professional educator, yet I'm not deemed qualified to identify when a child's needs are beyond my help.  Wouldn't I know better than anyone what's beyond my help?

  

Education! It's not just daycare anymore!

Yep, 2 in one day.... I'm all thinky-like.

Lest I be labeled as an ungrateful curmudgeon, I ought to share some things that make me come back to my classroom every day.....

Like one little chickie who showed up on Sept. 6 without knowing a single letter, a single color, how to spell or even recognize her name, or even how to hold scissors..... girlfriend actually WROTE a couple of words, kindergarten style, in her journal today.  That tells me I've accomplished something.

One other little guy taking a second stab at kindergarten successfully made a pattern today with his beans.  First time ever without one-on-one guidance through the process.

A group of happy little faces on my carpet who are excited about sharing what they wrote in their journals this morning about "What I like to Eat in the Fall," because they stretched out "corndog" and spelled it "kordok" or spelled "apple" as  "abl" and they know I will be over the moon excited about that.

I show up for that stuff.

So much for a career in the ministry

I have one little friend who is very outgoing, friendly, etc.... so much so that we'd joked that he had a future as either a Baptist preacher or a politician.  Yesterday, however, I believe he disqualified himself from the ministry.....


You see, we were making our "Brown is a bear" page for our color book and everyone was decorating their bear.  I demonstrated, adding a face, a shirt, pants, shoes and an iPod to my own bear (I can't keep things simple, you know.....LOL).  So they start in on their bears, most of which look remarkably like my own because Kindergarteners have huge imaginations when it comes to making excuses for why they did something, but very little when it comes to art.  Then I get to this one friend and after doing a double take, I have to ask him to tell me about it.  Because to my eyes, the bear is wearing a crop top and a g-string.

His answer?  His bear was "trashy like that lady at the beach."

Rightly so, sir. 

Behavior Sheet Comments

Already this year I have had cause to write things on students' behavior sheets that I never thought I would write in my life...

* Please remind your daughter that bottoms go in chairs and faces go in the air, not faces on chairs and bottoms in the air.

* Your child seemed very tired and was confused by being at school today

* I was unsure of whether marshmallows and pretzels were your child's lunch or snack?

* Your child thought it was funny to spit her snack out on the table today.

* Your child changed their color after being caught dancing and singing Taio Cruz' "Dynomite" in the bathroom.

Yeah.  That's a pretty clear description of my daily life.

You don't hit thumbody elth.

Just quickly,  I am STILL Mrs. Teacher Person.  So I told him I'll just call him Mr. Student Boy.  Obviously he didn't get it.

Today we were discussing, for the 6th day in a row (this IS Kindergarten), the Rules.  I tell my kids that there's one rule: Be Kind.  Then we talk about the different things that you can do that are kind, along with things that you do that are not kind. Kind things would include the obvious ones like sharing, keeping hands to yourself, using nice words and manners.... but I also include things that are kind to grownups like not interrupting, doing what a grownup asks you to do right away, using your nose and bellybutton to listen (face and body facing me).  So today we were discussing things that are not kind after a few boys decided that they'd hit each other (and hit back, and hit someone because he hit your friend, etc.... it was very Three Stooges).  I have a little guy who has barely spoken a word since he came in.  When he needs to go to the bathroom, he points and raises his eyebrows questioningly (we're working on that).

So this tiny hand is in the air for the first time, and clearly I must acknowledge it. (again, name changed for privacy)

Me: So boys and girls, Big Kindergarteners never, never hit or kick on purpose, right?  Yes Antonio?

Antonio: You don't hit thumbody elth.

Me: (stifling a giggle) That's right, Antonio.  And why not?

Antonio: They might fart on you.



I just left that one alone.

The One Where I Laughed A Lot

Today I had a cherubic little friend who kept calling me "Miss Teacher Person."  Well, I grew tired of it, and invited him to come talk to me during snack time.  I told him that if I could remember his name, that it would be very nice if he could remember mine, too.  Here's how that went....(changing first name for privacy purposes)

Me:  Georgie, if I can remember your name, don't you think you could remember mine?
Georgie: No, maybe not.

Ok.... well, then later on the guidance counselor was checking the bus roster on his bus to make sure everyone was where they should be.  When she got to Georgie, she asked him what his name was.

Georgie:  Georgie Davis.
Counselor: Georgie Davis?  I don't see anyone on the list named Georgie Davis?  Are you sure your last name is Davis?
Georgie: Yes, I'm Georgie Davis.
Counselor:  Do you mean you're in Mrs. Davis' class?
Georgie:  Yeah.

Well, so I think we've solved the problem of him forgetting MY name.  The question remains as to whether or not he knows who HE is.

Less Effective Management of Herds of 5 Year Olds: A Treatise

Each year, kindergarten teachers greet their newest crop of little ones and walk out the door on the first day with the same general consensus:

Kindergarten showcases the reasons why humans don't have litters.  Nobody sane can handle 21 five year olds in one room.

Today we were off to the races for the 2011-2012 school year, and what a send off it was!  Having had approximately 1/32 the needed amount of time to actually prepare physically and emotionally for the first day of K due to Virginia's rapidly deteriorating reputation with natural disasters, I entered my room with at least a vague notion of what I was doing (a nice side effect of staying in the same grade 2 years in a row for a change).  I had a to-do list for the day, I was ready to get the things that needed doing done.

Of course, by 9:15 I couldn't find the damn list so I resorted to just flying by the seat of my pants, only to find the list right there. In my pants.  Well, in the pocket.  Sort of like the lost-glasses-on-the-head trick.

So we alternated between reading stories and using the different items of interest around the room, letting the little ones explore and experience this new environment where they will spend so many hours until June.

No, wait.  That's not quite as picturesque as it sounds.

Picture, if you will, a carpet.  That carpet attempting to contain 20 totally spastic wildebeasts, and failing.  3 are sitting nicely, waiting for directions.  Five are untying their shoes because it will be fun to ask me to tie them again. Four are spinning hypnotically on their butts, oblivious to those around them.  One is attempting a headstand.  The other 7 have their hands in the air to "tell me" something that has no actual relevance to well, life on this planet.  And me.  Little old me, in my teachery chair, story in hand, interrupting every page to say "No, please stop, that's not how we sit, show me what big kindergarteners do, everybody freeze, show me criss-cross-applesauce-hands-in-your-lap, it's my turn to talk, it will be yours in a minute....." on a running loop.

But my "favorite" moments revolve around the bathroom.

Me: Ok, boys and girls, Mrs. Davis has one very important rule about the bathroom.  When we are all sitting on the carpet, you can't ask to go to the bathroom then.  So everyone look right now.  Where are you sitting?

Kids: On the carpet

Me: So can we go to the bathroom right now?

Kids: No

Me: Great!  You guys are super smart!

Kid 1: I need to go to the bathroom
Kid 2: Can I go to the bathroom, too?
Kid 3: I want some water.
Kid 4: I'm THIRSTY!!

Me: *headdesk*

And so begins another of Davis' Bathroom Training Sessions.......

What to Expect when you're Expecting Kindergarten

Today we greeted a fresh new crop of 5 year olds to the public school system. Wide eyed and adorable, they timidly took their first steps towards being educated and productive members of society.

Wait, who am I kidding?  Kindergarten ain't nothing like that anymore! Kindergarteners are all about the sound bites.  Take these gems:

"My mommy said to let me use the potty because I just pee when I want."

"My mommy and daddy SLEEP IN THE SAME BED!" (said with great gravity)

Me: "Why did you throw that kangaroo?"
Kid: "I just felt it here, in my liver."

Kid: "You're really big.  Are you a ninja warrior?"
Me: "Why yes I am.  Now go sit down."

"I was in the bathroom a long time because I had to do a really big poop."

"I just CAN'T use crayons that don't have a pointy end."

"Can I have your snack?"

Me: "Tell me about what you drew."
Kid: "Well, that's my mommy and those are her boobies."


Me: "So if you had three balloons and I give you another one, how many would you have then?"
Kid: "Probably just two because I'm hard on balloons."

So if you're sending a kid to Kindergarten this year or sometime soon, take notes.  They're damn funny.