Baby Hairs

When I was pregnant, both times, I could get heartburn from crackers, from water, from antacids.  According to the Old Wives' Tale Storybook, that meant my babies would have hair.  Now, normally I am not one who puts too much stock in old wives' tales as I know plenty of people who had heartburn just as bad as mine whose babies were born as bald as Jean-Luc Picard.  Then I gave birth to this:

Which looked like this at 2 months:

Who, by 6 months old looked like this:

And by a year and a half was sporting THIS:

When she was born with the mop, EVERYONE said "It'll fall out and come back in blonde."  And here we are, over two years later and after cutting 4" off a New Years, my 2 and a half year old has brown hair to the middle of her back, still.  Never once did a strand fall out, and nor did it turn blonde.

   When I was pregnant with #2, we wondered what we would do if she was born bald.  I mean, very few babies sport coifs like The Squirt, but we figured if Niblet was bald, we'd buy her a baby wig like Suzanne Sugarbaker in Designing Women.  So when this girl was born, we were a bit relieved:

At first we were kind of excited because we thought maybe she'd have curls... but it turns out, she is a hedgehog.

And we like our hedgehog mighty fine.

I have 2 kids! Let's not screw them up!

Well, Darling Daughter 2 was born just over a month ago and we haven't slept since then.  C'est la vie.  I think there is something in our genetics that causes us to forget, edit/polish or willfully ignore how awful having a newborn is because otherwise nobody would ever have 2 kids.  On the plus side, she's totally cute and looks a little like a hedgehog.

    Now that I have 2 kids, I feel very "parenty."  And as a former nanny and now a teacher, I have dealt with the consequences of bad parenting and the rewards of good parenting every day for the last decade or more.  I hope that I will do better by my own daughters than some of those whose decisions make my job more difficult than it needs to be while taking the examples of the great parents I interact with whose children reflect the job they're doing.

   What are some things that are hallmarks of good or bad parenting?  Oh, let me ennumerate....

1.  Good parents advocate for their child but don't try to control outcomes for their children.  Kids absolutely HAVE to learn what it feels like to fail.  If you shield your child from every disappointment, even a truly deserved failure, you have taught them that everything will always go their way.  As adults we KNOW that isn't true, and some of the most aggravating and intolerable people you know in your life are almost certainly those who believe they must get their own way all the time.

2.  Don't be afraid to make your child cry.  As humans we learn the difference between right and wrong by not liking how we feel when we've done something wrong.  I don't think kids are born with a conscience.  I think it is a parent's job to make his or her kid feel bad when they've done something wrong.  The kid then learns that feeling bad about what you did sucks and boom! a conscience is born.

3.  Trust your child's teacher until he or she gives you a real and valid reason not to.  Teachers see your child in a whole different environment than their family does.  A teacher might, one day, tell you that your child did something that you have a hard time believing- but in my experience, teachers don't generally make up stuff to make children look bad.  Teachers understand kids a lot better than most parents do because we see such a wide variety of them. A teacher can often give you the best advice for how to deal with an issue, although legally we're not allowed to because it's overreaching, I guess.  If your son or daughter's teacher tells you that he or she is having trouble with behavior or academics, it's in your best interest to believe it.  It doesn't necessarily make you a bad parent if you have a kid who struggles with something- but it DOES make you a bad parent to ignore the reality of it and fail to help your child cope or overcome.

4. Learn to say no.  Learn to MEAN no.  Learn not to let "no" change to "yes" or "maybe."  Being able to stick to an absolute no is an invaluable parenting must. Does that mean you're never allowed to change your mind?  Of course not- one of the best things a child can learn from his or her parents is that sometimes it's necessary to reexamine a situation.  But if you always cave into your child, they will learn, once again, that they're supposed to get their way in every situation.

5. Help your child learn that ALL actions have consequences; good or bad. I don't mean that you need to reward all good decisions and punish all bad ones.  We already have a culture of children who have been raised believing that they deserve candy for pooping in the toilet. I reward for things that go beyond a regular expectation.  But that doesn't mean that you can't teach your child that good things have good consequences anyway.  You cleaned up your room?  Wow, now you hava a nice neat place to play, aren't you lucky? You were nice to a new student in your class?  Awesome, you probably made a new friend.  You learned your vocabulary for the test this week and got a good grade? I'm proud of you and all those new words you are learning will make you sound so smart when you use them in your speech or writing.   I don't expect kids to be perfect, obviously.  But I have found one of the most powerful negative consequences for a child is to have a grownup express disappointment in their choices, but not to try to stop them from doing what they decided to do.  You're choosing to play your computer game instead of studying for your science test?  Wow, I'm really disappointed.  I thought you would make a better choice than that..... for a child in whom you have developed a conscience, that stings worse than you unplugging the computer and forcing them to open their science notes.... they make the choice to do the right thing themself rather than being forced.... and they don't end up being mad about the Huge Injustice their Evil Parent just did to them.

   I got all thoughty for this post because I have a set of parenst who is not happy that I noted on a report card that their child's behavior modification plan was going well.  First of all, having the teacher tell you your child's behavior plan is successful is a COMPLIMENT to your child.  But these parents are only concerned that it indicates that there was a behavior problem to begin with.  So what?  Stop believing your child is a perfect angel- kids are HUMAN and they are not perfect.  CELEBRATE that your child has overcome something that was a struggle.  Tell your child you're proud of the good work he or she has done in having more self control in the classroom.  Understand that your child's failures don't make you look bad unless their reaction to the failure isn't what it ought to be.

   Oy.  I have just under another month of maternity leave and I'm pretty happy about that.  I absolutely love many of the students in my class this year and the parents who have raised them to be awesome, but on the whole I will be glad to move this group up to first grade and start fresh with new kids and new parents.  It's a hard mix this year.