This week I had the highly enjoyable experience of attending a 4 movie marathon and midnight premiere of the new Twilight movie with a wonderful group of girlfriends. Now, to be plainly honest, I did read the Twilight books but they have not become any sort of focus in my life.... I'm not a "twihard" or anything of the sort. I find Robert Pattinson to be fairly unattractive.... and I think Kristin Stewart is a truly terrible actress. I used to just think the first movie was badly directed, but no, it turned out that while that movie WAS badly directed, KStew was just as wooden and unemotional in the subsequent movies as in the first. But I digress.....
Anyway, for the uninitiated, the Twilight series involves a pack of shapeshifting Quileute indians who turn into giant wolves in order to hunt down their only natural enemy, the vampire. Most Twihards will tell you that they fall firmly into the "Team Edward" or "Team Jacob" category. Those on "Team Jacob" are essentially declaring their preference for men who become literal dogs, instead of just the figurative dog that most men become somewhere between birth and death. I have thought about it, and I believe that this move is a bad one because dogs are not intended to have any sort of power in society. I believe Gus and Pickle demonstrate this succinctly.
First and foremost, my dogs don't have thumbs. If they did, there would be a lot less cheese and raw meat in my refrigerator. Do you really want to be ruled by someone who cannot open jars?
Second, my dogs both lick their own butts. Now, I am sure there is a large contingency of men who would just love being able to lick their own manly areas; however, I don't think that's a selling point for a world leader. Because we all know, ladies, that such an activity renders the average man unable to speak coherently. And they're obsessed enough with it as it is.
Third, my dogs seem to believe there is some point to chasing squirrels. Neither of them will ever catch a squirrel, and honestly neither would have any idea what to do with a squirrel were he or she to catch one, but they insist that the 1lb furry tailed intruders in their yard merit mad barking dashes to rescue us all from their nefarious plots to take over the world one acorn at a time.
Fourth, despite their knowledge that the Magical Box in the kitchen where mommy keeps The Fud is stocked with unimaginable amounts of dog-approved goodies, they are willing to happily injest practically dehydrated pebbles of meat-ish dog food. Settling for dog food when you know mommy has a pork loin seems defeatist to me.
Fifth, they are un-pottytrainable.
Sixth, particularly Gus can be frightened awfully easily. I saw him jump in horror when a falling leaf from a tree landed on him. I think one needs to have a little gumption to be in charge of the world, don't you.
Anyway, so that's what I'm thinking about today. Wouldn't you like to spend a little time in my brain? Tee hee hee
Several Points:
ReplyDeleteA) I would be on Team Jacob because Robbo gives me the willies. My best description? I shall employ one of my mother's succint gems-he's puky-looking.
B) Sophie tries very hard to rule the world. She barks quite ferociously at squirrels and birds flying overhead. Let her see a feather on the ground, however, and she falls to pieces. She acts nervous over the most innocuous things. Everytime she enters her pen, we have to endure a minute long head-bobbing session. This despite the fact that the crocodile/python population in our basement is quite low. Maybe it's the lobster eye?
C) Luke laments the lack of thumbs EVERY DAY. Trust me.
D) Neither of my dogs engage in licking their nethers. Sophie probably would, especially when the butt weasels are a'chompin', but she is too...ummm...tubby.
E) Both of them treat dog food like it is newborn lamb. Luke doesn't care WHAT goes in his mouth. Sophie is slightly more discrimating; she is VERY serious about chicken.
F) I'm starting to detest RockSmith. Your brain is probably a nicer place than mine right now.
I thought dogs had a superior sense of smell and hearing and should wag their tail at the slightest indication that "mommy" is home. My boy dog proved me VERY wrong. He barks at everyone who walks in the door...including all family members who you would think he would be very used to coming and going...and will not stop until you actually touch him and reassure him that you aren't some masked intruder who wants to steal him and take him to some doggy-torture chamber where he will not be able to lick his own ass on a regular basis.
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