Less Effective Management of Herds of 5 Year Olds: A Treatise

Each year, kindergarten teachers greet their newest crop of little ones and walk out the door on the first day with the same general consensus:

Kindergarten showcases the reasons why humans don't have litters.  Nobody sane can handle 21 five year olds in one room.

Today we were off to the races for the 2011-2012 school year, and what a send off it was!  Having had approximately 1/32 the needed amount of time to actually prepare physically and emotionally for the first day of K due to Virginia's rapidly deteriorating reputation with natural disasters, I entered my room with at least a vague notion of what I was doing (a nice side effect of staying in the same grade 2 years in a row for a change).  I had a to-do list for the day, I was ready to get the things that needed doing done.

Of course, by 9:15 I couldn't find the damn list so I resorted to just flying by the seat of my pants, only to find the list right there. In my pants.  Well, in the pocket.  Sort of like the lost-glasses-on-the-head trick.

So we alternated between reading stories and using the different items of interest around the room, letting the little ones explore and experience this new environment where they will spend so many hours until June.

No, wait.  That's not quite as picturesque as it sounds.

Picture, if you will, a carpet.  That carpet attempting to contain 20 totally spastic wildebeasts, and failing.  3 are sitting nicely, waiting for directions.  Five are untying their shoes because it will be fun to ask me to tie them again. Four are spinning hypnotically on their butts, oblivious to those around them.  One is attempting a headstand.  The other 7 have their hands in the air to "tell me" something that has no actual relevance to well, life on this planet.  And me.  Little old me, in my teachery chair, story in hand, interrupting every page to say "No, please stop, that's not how we sit, show me what big kindergarteners do, everybody freeze, show me criss-cross-applesauce-hands-in-your-lap, it's my turn to talk, it will be yours in a minute....." on a running loop.

But my "favorite" moments revolve around the bathroom.

Me: Ok, boys and girls, Mrs. Davis has one very important rule about the bathroom.  When we are all sitting on the carpet, you can't ask to go to the bathroom then.  So everyone look right now.  Where are you sitting?

Kids: On the carpet

Me: So can we go to the bathroom right now?

Kids: No

Me: Great!  You guys are super smart!

Kid 1: I need to go to the bathroom
Kid 2: Can I go to the bathroom, too?
Kid 3: I want some water.
Kid 4: I'm THIRSTY!!

Me: *headdesk*

And so begins another of Davis' Bathroom Training Sessions.......